


Hydra is a lousy place for a field trip

by zsomeone



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Metalocalypse
Genre: Dethklok has met the Avengers, Gen, guest appearance by a very confused Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 19:34:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17987303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: Dethklok in a Hydra base, because why not.  Because sometimes it's fun to write them as the complete idiots they can sometimes be.Anyway, Ofdensen has a meeting with Pierce, and the band insists on tagging along. They get a tour of the base.Other than Pierce, the Hydra employees are just random people and not based on actual characters, just the Hydra version of gears.





	Hydra is a lousy place for a field trip

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: Pre-CA:TWS on the Marvel side, unspecified on the Dethklok side. Doesn't matter if they don't match up.

They arrived, the driver gear parked in front of the building and remained in the car while Ofdensen, the band, and another gear got out and went to the door.  
There were groans of confused disappointment from the band, this was not at all what any of them had imagined when they’d thought it would be cool to visit a Hydra base. The entrance was completely boring, these people had no style. Seriously, it was just a really plain building, with a simple brown door.  
Ofdensen just shrugged, very used to them, “I warned you it wouldn’t be fancy, but you never listen.” He rang the buzzer.

The door opened and they were greeted by a man in a uniform of some sort, so maybe he was the one in charge. Or worked for the one in charge, like Ofdensen? He looked boring too.  
“I have an appointment with your boss," Ofdensen gestured to the band, "Sorry about them, they, ah, insisted in coming along."  
Okay, so not the one in charge. The man didn't look happy about to see the band at all, or about the hooded and heavily armed gear standing with them, but gestured for them to follow.

He was familiar with Dethklok of course, everyone was. He was not a fan though, they were known to be highly unpredictable and this was really not the place for that. But there was nothing he could do about it, besides hope to survive. They were rumored to actually cause disasters wherever they went, he’d seen the news reports.  
Charles Ofdensen was even scarier, a shrewd businessman, and known to be extremely deadly if anyone broke his cardinal rule: Do not fuck with his bread and butter.  
So, this entire situation made him very nervous, which was saying a lot since he worked with the Winter fucking Soldier. 

Still, he knew it was important that Hydra maintained a good working relationship with Ofdensen, if that man ever chose to widen his focus he could probably take over the world. His forces rivaled any other known organization, and only his narrow focus on Dethklok kept him from interfering too much with the affairs of others.  
General Crozier had been here a few weeks ago, and not for the first time, maybe that was why Ofdensen was here? Crozier worked for the Tribunal they way Pierce worked for Hydra, it wasn’t public knowledge, and the Tribunal was the one organization that directly opposed the Dethklok empire. He didn’t know who was in charge of that group though, he didn’t have that high of clearance.

They walked through the hallways, lots of hallways. The inside was super boring too, the walls were fucking beige, the doors simple like an office or something. The floor wasn’t carpeted at least, but that was probably for cleaning up blood, if that happened here? It all looked too boring. And all the people they saw dressed alike, but that was okay because the gears all matched too, but the gears were way cooler, these just looked like regular jackoffs.  
They came to yet another matching door, it looked like all the rest, and entered. It was the main guy's office apparently, still boring but he had a big desk and some chairs and shit. The lighting was better anyway. Lighting is important to some people.

“Ofdensen, welcome,” the man stood and offered his hand around, “And Dethklok, I hope you’re all well today. I’m Alexander Pierce.”  
Ofdensen shook the offered hand, also Nathan, Murderface, and Pickles, but Toki and Skwisgaar ignored him. The gear just stood by the door.  
Pierce sat, Murderface flopped into one of the chairs, Ofdensen took a seat, Nathan leaned, and the others poked at things on the shelves behind them. There was a small crash and something was knocked to the floor, Pierce twitched but resisted the urge to even look.

Pickles noticed a small photo on the wall, it was kind of off in the corner, “Oh hey, you know thet Captain ‘Merica dood?”  
“Yes, I know all the Avengers. I could probably arrange a meeting sometime, if that’s something you’d be interested in?”  
“Pfft, no, we ams already meets dem,” Skwisgaar was still annoyed that the Black Widow had actually turned him down, that _never_ happened to him. She’d also threatened to hurt him in creative but not fun ways, rude.  
“Yeah, Captain ‘Merica’s rally boring, he wouldn’t even git drunk with us! What a douchebag!”

“Iron Man’s pretty cool though. He helped with our security system, and hung out for a while. Fun guy. He even let us blow shit up with his laser glove things! Sometimes he stops by just to hang out, and show us cool shit.”  
“He likes our musics too!” Toki also liked Iron Man best, “But Hawkeye was pretty okays, he lets me tries his bow but then I accidently shoots some hood guys, oops.”  
“Yeah, Hawkeye was alright. And I didn’t shoot any gears. I didn’t hit the target either though.”  
“Banner refusched to Hulk out for usch. Maybe he wasch afraid we’d eat him like we did the lake troll, but we wouldn’t have! That wasch _one time_.”

They all ignored Murderface’s last comment and Pierce’s suddenly more worried looks, not wanting to explain the whole troll incident _again_.  
“I wouldn’ts mind meetings Thor, mine mom tolds me he mights be mine brudder,” That was one of her stories anyway, and hey he’d never found his dad. “He was aways when dey visiteds.”  
“I don’t actually have a contact number for Thor,” Pierce admitted, while really hoping Skwisgaar didn’t have any strange magic powers.  
“Mine mom sleeps wit’ everybodies on earth, why nots offs de earths too? Coulds be true. You ams jus’ as likelies to be mine dads, I guess.”  
Pierce was pretty sure he wasn’t, but it seemed wiser to not follow that line of thinking.

There was a crash from the corner as a small lamp shattered on the floor. Pickles smiled, “Ooops.”  
“Pickles, you’re not allowed to have a lamp party in here,” Ofdensen sighed, “Toki, you too, back away from that lamp please.” Skwisgaar was also standing too close to a lamp, looking suspiciously innocent. Ofdensen shot him a disapproving look, he rolled his eyes and stepped away.  
There was nothing else to entertain them in this stupid office! Guy could at least have a bar or something, but this didn’t even look like a real office, more like a secret hiding one. With no booze in sight.  
With bored grumbles, they convened back around the desk. Now what?

Nathan took a closer look at the guy behind the desk, studying him, "Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like Robert Redford? Hey Murderface, doesn't he look like Robert Redford?"  
"Maybe, if he got old and schmasched hisch face in a tragic accident." Murderface shrugged, and jabbed the corner of the desk with his knife.  
"Please don't do that! It’s an antique. Ofdensen, perhaps it would be better if we discuss these matters privately?" Discussing anything with Dethklok in the room would likely be difficult, if the last several minutes were any indication.  
"Of course. I’m sure the boys would be happy to take a tour, #846 will accompany them."

Pierce looked burdened by this decision, turning them loose in the halls hardly seemed a safe alternative, but Murderface stealthily carving the edge of his desk again seemed to tip the balance. "Very well, but I'll have one of my agents go with them. We wouldn't want them getting lost." He picked up the phone and said a few words, very soon there was a man at the door. Not the same man, this one was probably lower ranked.  
"Yes sir?"  
"This is Dethklok, you're to show them around while I meet with Mr. Ofdensen here," he nodded to the manager, "He'll try to make sure nothing happens to them."  
"It's not them I'm worried about. But very well." Dethklok was like a natural disaster, sometimes things just happened, he’d learned to roll with it.

*****

The halls were still boring, this whole place was boring, Hydra sucked. Still they they followed the guy, and #846 followed them.  
They passed people occasionally, but they all wore the same lame uniforms and paid little attention to them, which was super fucking weird. They were Dethklok, were _none_ of these stupid people fans? That didn’t seem possible!  
Then finally something different, a person in a lab coat actually waved at them, that was more like it.  
After that, there were a few more random wavers, maybe a third or so of the people they encountered.

They came upon a different door and stopped, this one had a window, finally something other than the endlessly same damn doors. They crowded as close as possible to look.  
It looked like some sort of lab like you see in movies, oh yeah this was more like it. Murderface tried the door, it wasn't locked.  
Their assigned guy was very upset by this, "No, no please don't go in there..."  
But of course they didn't listen, why the fuck would they? They entered the lab.

The people in lab coats looked up, and they actually seemed really excited to see them, that was a nice change of pace.  
"Wow, it's Dethkok!"  
"We love you guys!"  
“Can I get your autographs?”  
The ones who could step away from their workstations crowed around them.

#846 waited by the door, hand on his gun, just in case. That was his job after all.  
Their guide stood beside him, seeming to have no idea at all how to deal with this situation he’d suddenly found himself in.  
Dethklok signed random things they were handed and some tits, and allowed various workers to take selfies with them.  
At least they seemed to be behaving, for now. Were they allowed to give free autographs? He hoped so. Their guard seemed to be okay with it at least.

Immediate frenzy over, they spread out a bit and looked around, fortunately not torching things. Yet.  
Nathan looked through a microscope at... whatever, something microscopic, he had no idea what it was. The dude at that station seemed proud to show it to him though.  
Pickles was eying some bubbling beakers, but knew better than to try to drink anything that was literally boiling even if it might be drugs.  
Toki crawled under a table for no apparently reason, maybe to see what might be down there, then came back out.

Skwisgaar wandered over to an older woman who hadn’t stopped her work, "You ams a GMILF."  
She smiled happily, "Honey, you leave me a pass and I'll come over anytime you want. But right now, I have to be careful, if I do this wrong things will explode."  
"Scho it would be bad if schomeone tickles you right now?" Murderface slipped in closer.  
“Goes away Muderface, dis one ams alreadies mine.”  
“I juscht wanna schee schomething blow up! Jeezch.”

“Can we move on now?” Their assigned guy was very agitated.  
The lab wasn’t really that interesting though, as far as they could tell. Way more interesting than the hallway, sure, but that wasn’t saying a lot.  
“Dood, do they even make drugs here?” Pickles had an important question, well important to him anyway.  
“No, this is just the research division. Can we go?”  
They grumbled a bit just to complain, but allowed him to usher them back into the hall, waving goodbye to their fans.

“I wanna go to tha drug division,” Now that Pickles knew it existed, he had a goal.  
The guy didn’t like this goal, “I really can’t let you-“  
"Do what he says or we has you killed!" Toki didn’t like anyone telling them no, none of them did.  
Nathan considered this, "Toki? He's not a gear, we can't do that."  
"Fines, I hires you then I has you killed. Better?!"  
"Yeah dood, thet werks."

Their guide looked even more nervous now, he turned to #846 who just shrugged, that was no help. Were the rumors true? Could they even do that? He didn’t know!  
He led them on, hoping there was some way out of this mess. And he’d thought working for Hydra was stressful, he was really glad he didn’t work for Dethklok. Unless Toki had just somehow hired him?  
They went deeper into the facility. The air smelled a bit like machines now, oil or something, but everything still looked boring.

“So,” Nathan was bored enough to try to make conversation, “do you guys like have a motto or something? Ours is making everything metal.”  
“Motto? Yes, cut off one head, two more shall take its place.”  
“Really? That’s awesome! Show us!”  
“Dood, so like ya keep growing new heads, more an’ more heads, every time? That’s fecking cool, like... like human broccoli!”  
The guy looked super horrified by that, appropriately so. 

“Let’s kills him, I wants to see!” Toki turned to #846, “You gots a really big knifes?”  
“Sorry, I don’t,” the gear replied, “and I’m sure that’s just a figure of speech and doesn’t work that way.”  
“If anyone caresch, I have a knife, “Murderface offered, “but I actually agree with him on thisch. Beschidesch, if we kill him we’ll never get to the good partsch.”  
Toki pouted, “This sucks! You takes us somewheres better or we sees how many heads we can makes before you falls over!”  
“Heh, human broccoli,” Pickles was still amused by his mental image.

They continued on, everything was still the same enough for the guide to fear for his life, but he hoped to get somewhere they deemed more interesting before they all turned on him.  
Eventually there was another door with a window, something seemed to have gone horribly wrong in there.  
“Oh look, they’s all asleep in some bloods, dat’s lazy,” Skwisgaar tapped on the glass, but nobody moved.  
They tried the door (of course they did) but whatever had happened in there had triggered a safety lockdown and it didn’t open, which their guide was extremely grateful for.

*****

Meanwhile in Pierce’s office, negotiations had nearly been completed to the satisfaction of both. Pierce had wanted a higher price, but Ofdensen’s reputation as a cutthroat businessman had kept him from setting his expectations too high.  
It was almost funny, two of the most powerful and dangerous men in the world, just sitting in an office discussing deals like regular people.  
He also wasn’t especially surprised to learn that Ofdensen somehow knew about Project Insight, that man just seemed to know things.

Dethklok was _not_ on the list though, there had been much discussion about whether or not they should be. Of course they were dangerous but nobody was quite sure how it even worked with them, and at this point they were still considered possible allies.  
It was also questionable if they couldn’t even be killed, with all they’d survived over they years, same for the manager.  
And now there was the possibility that Skwisgaar might be something other than pure human, and that Toki... well Pierce was somewhat reminded of Thor’s brother. This one didn’t seem to question his parentage, but maybe he was adopted?  
Best not to be an enemy of Dethklok, if that could be avoided.

“There’s one other matter we need to discuss,” Ofdensen added.  
“And what might that be?”  
“Look, I’m aware you also deal with the Tribunal and I don’t care about that, as long as you don’t provide them with anything intended to be used against my boys again.”  
“Again?”

*****

The boring tour continued on and on.  
There had been a few more doors with windows, but the rooms had contained some kind of machines. Not like cool ones, just huge boring ones that didn’t even have fun buttons on them. They were probably important, but so boring.  
On and on they went.  
Another room held a lot of caged rats, fortunately Dethklok didn’t seem to be interested in rats. He wasn’t really sure what would interest them, if anything.

The next room they could see into had more cages, but these captives were human. Or at least mostly human? They were hard to see, and fuck knows what sort of shit the doctors got up to in this place.  
The door was unlocked, probably wasn’t supposed to be but it was. They headed in.  
Toki reacted very negatively to the room and refused to even enter, probably due to his fucked up childhood. They left him in the hall, because how often do you get a chance to see this stuff?

The lone scientist inside, a middle aged man, looked like he wanted to object but didn’t dare.  
Murderface was the most fascinated by the medical experiments, getting as close as possible to each subject and really studying them.  
Nathan and Pickles toured the room like they were at a circus sideshow freak tent, treating the occupants as curiosities and nothing more.  
Skwisgaar was mostly indifferent, remaining in the middle of the room and looking around, but not bothering to get closer.

Once they’d all looked their fill, their guide was able to herd them back out and on their way. He thought he was starting to get the hang of this, maybe.  
They walked on. More doors, some with windows, some showing more cages, all locked. So they were back to the boring parts of this tour then.  
Then a room showing some sort of chemical lab, but also locked. Banging on the door did no good, nobody even looked up, maybe they were soundproofed or something.

They turned yet another corner, and finally something different. A man was moving down the hallway, pushing a cart with tray of test tubes on it.  
"Oooh, what're those?"  
"A highly classified experimental drug-" Pickles grabbed one and downed it "-Oh god, no! What have you done?!" The man turned completely white in horror.  
Skwisgaar shrugged, completely unconcerned, "He ams Pickle, he'll be fines."  
The gear casually aimed a gun at him and the cart guy ran away, pushing his cart ahead of him. Nobody else got free drugs! That wasn’t fair.

Their guide was completely losing his shit now, sort of like when a Klokateer knew they were about to be executed, but with far less dignity.  
He seemed to come to a decision, hurrying them to another door, this one actually metal and more interesting. There was a keypad even.  
He opened it and waved them all to enter, "This room, in here! Wait in here, I'll get help! The Asset won't hurt you without orders, just wait here!" He locked the door behind them (couldn't risk them wandering around loose!) and hurried back to find that manager guy they’d come with.

*****

The meeting was interrupted by a hurried knock, and the agent they’d sent with the band came in looking completely devastated, “I’m so sorry, sir! One of them drank the new compound before I could stop him!”  
Ofdensen was less than concerned, “Was it the short one?”  
“Yes, the redhead! He was just too quick!” The guy wrung his hands, clearly expected to be executed on the spot. He deserved it, he’d failed his task.  
But this man seemed completely unbothered by this news, “That’s Pickles, he’ll be fine. He’s immune to pretty much everything anyway.”

Pierce was less optimistic, more worried, “Some of our formulas are extremely potent, are you sure-“  
“Look,” Ofdensen cut him off, “I know your people were the original inventors of the Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake, and he was immune to even that.” He shrugged, “Though the others weren’t.”  
Pierce shuddered, a very rare response from him, but the testing of that drug had been rather terrible, “ _All_ of their orifices?”  
“Indeed.”

“If you knew...?” He’d been sure Ofdensen hadn’t known of his connection to that incident, now he was rethinking everything. And now he understood what Ofdensen had been getting to.  
“I knew Pickles would be fine. I didn’t care about the others, he’s better off without them. They were a distraction, and I didn’t even have to be the one to get rid of them.” He smiled coldly, “And the chaos that followed was perfect, I didn’t even have to cover up Toki murdering one guy and Pickles nearly killing another.”  
Pierce was speechless, he’d been sure they didn’t know.

“Say, you don’t keep any yopo here, do you?”  
“I’m afraid I don’t know what that is?” But now he wanted to find out.  
Ofdensen waved it off, “A drug Nathan’s cannibal ancestors use. I wasn’t along for that trip, but they’re convinced they all transformed into some sort different animals or monsters.”  
Never mind, yopo didn’t sound like a drug they should probably experiment with after all, “No we don’t have that here.” Cannibal ancestors?  
“Well there’s probably nothing to worry about then.”

*****

"Did he just lock us in here?” Nathan tried the door, “ Guys, he just locked us in here."  
"Yer tha werst tour guide ever!" Pickles kicked the door, "Ow, thet's solid steel. My foot herts."  
#846 just shrugged, and took up position beside the door, if they couldn't get out, it was break time for him. He kept his hand on his gun though, that was his job.  
"Dis tour ams dildos, we amns'ts even gots de compimentaries drinks yet." Because every place had those, right? Probably not, but it was something to complain about.

"Heys! We's not alones in here." Toki had turned from the door and noticed the man in the corner, standing so still he was nearly invisible in the shadows, even though he was shirtless.  
"That must be that Asset guy he mentioned? Oh cool, he's got a metal arm! I want one!"  
"I wants one too!"  
"Stupids Toki, you can'ts be playsing de guitar wit' metal fingers."  
"That sucks!"

Pickles, who really didn't seem to be at all affected by whatever he'd drank, wandered over for a closer look. "Hey dood, can ya tawlk? Yer arm's so shiny, can I tetch it?" Without waiting for an answer, Pickles ran his hands over the smooth metal plates, "oooh."  
The guy didn't move, and seemed confused by them in general, "I can talk."  
"Yeah. Hey. What's your name?"  
"They call me the Asset, or sometimes the Winter Soldier," he shrugged, "I don't have a name."  
#846 nodded knowingly from his position by the door, the nameless thing was popular in these kinds of organizations, it didn't seem weird at all to him.

Murderface had found and was examining a weird tall canister thing in the corner, "Hey, what'sch thisch for?"  
"Cryogenic chamber, they freeze me between missions. To store me."  
"Brutal." Nathan thought further, "So you're saying that when there's nothing to do, they just freeze you and you get to skip all the boring stuff?" He wandered over for a closer look, but there wasn’t much to look at, it was just a tube-like thing with a window on it. Didn’t look comfortable, but that probably didn’t matter much if you were frozen.  
"That's awesome, dood! Meybe we can git sahm of these?" That would be one way to chill.

"I don'ts wants to be frozens, I was fuckings cold all the times when I was a kids," Toki was eying the guy speculatively, "I wants to keeps him, I's going to names him Defrosty and he cans be my real cool pal!"  
"Toki you dumb dildos, dey's not goings to lets you keeps him. Nots dis one anyways."  
“Why nots?!”  
“He’s probably really important or something. His arm is so cool!”  
Maybe they could still get some freezer things though?

"What the fuck," the Asset guy said softly, surrounded by men who were clearly insane. Or stupid. Maybe both? But they seemed to have no fear of him, which was different.  
And that guy with them, the one dressed like an executioner, what the hell was up with that? He was armed, but his stance seemed more bored than aggressive. It was hard to be sure with that hood, but despite all the weapons, he didn’t seem threatening at the moment.  
Why were they here? What was going on? He’d been given no orders.

Losing interest in the cyrotube, they all clustered back around the Asset.  
“How strong is thet arm, I bet it’s rally strong,” Pickles prompted him to bend it, then hung his weight on it without warning.  
The Asset shifted to maintain his balance, the little guy was actually pretty solid, but otherwise remained still.  
Then he climbed up to sit on the arm instead.  
“Pickles, get off that arm, I wanna see it better,” Nathan poked him in the side and Pickles climbed higher, onto the man’s shoulders.

Murderface was fascinated by the scarring where the metal joined flesh, “Thisch is amazing.” He poked at the edges, feeling how completely they were joined.  
Nathan was more interested in how the plates shifted around, that was really cool, he _really_ wanted one of these arms. “Hey, move it more! Make it keep doing that.”  
The Asset complied, and the plates slid and recalibrated with soft clicks.  
Skwisgaar was less interested in this guy, so he wandered away and just poked around the small room, which wasn’t very interesting either, then wandered back. Hopefully someone would let them out soon, being locked in sucked.

*****

The door opened again and another guy burst in, one who’d been on surveillance, "Sir, they're _climbing_ the on the Asset!"  
"And he hasn't harmed them?" Pierce asked sharply. He shouldn’t, not without orders, but this was hardly a usual situation.  
"No sir, he seems mostly confused by their behavior."  
“Why are they in there in the first place? That door never should have been unlocked!”

“My cameras don’t have sound, but it appears the agent put them in there for safekeeping, they were proving a bit hard to handle and he seemed to be panicking at the time. At least the room will hold them.”  
“They can be difficult, yes,” Ofdensen turned back to Pierce with a threatening glare, “You’re concerned. How dangerous is this Asset?”  
“He’s _extremely_ dangerous, but no he shouldn’t harm them without orders. And no, he won’t take orders from them.”  
“I think we’re done here anyway, “Ofdensen stood, “We should probably go collect them.”  
“Yes, that would be for the best.”

*****

The door opened, and Ofdensen walked in with that Pierce guy. The band was still clustered around the Asset, and Pickles had indeed climbed him and was perched on the metal shoulder like a demented gargoyle. Fortunately the man didn't seem to mind, or really even notice. Toki was standing on the other side, braiding his hair, which was also ignored. They were all fine and unharmed.  
Ofdensen pinched the bridge of his nose, knowing what was about to go down. They were terrible about fixating on something and wanting to bring it home, and while he could bargain for most employees, he knew this one was off limits.  
And they were going to argue with him about it.

"Pickles, please come down now."  
"Are ya ordering me ta git aff this dude, or stawp being high? ‘Cause I can only do one of those raight now."  
"Pfft, he amns't really evens high, he's making de excuses."  
"Thank you Skwisgaar, I can see that. Yes, Pickles, get off that dude, as you put it."  
"Yer no fun." But he shifted his weight and then slid down the metal arm like it was a fire pole.

Nathan came over to Pierce and poked him in the chest, hard, "Hey. I want an arm like that. Make me one!"  
"I can't, the person who designed it has been dead for years, we have nobody with the ability." He looked up at the glowering man, Nathan was really big, "And you _do_ realize we'd have to cut off your real arm if we could even make one?"  
"Yeah? Brutal." But he didn't seem discouraged by this news.  
"Nathan, you're not allowed to cut your arms off. It's, ah, in your contract."  
"That sucks!"

Ofdensen clapped his hands, “We’re done here, it’s time to go.”  
“T’ank fucks for dat,” Skwisgaar was tired of this place.  
“Cam we git sahm of those freezer tubes? You can jest thaw us out fer tours!”  
“No,” Ofdensen looked stern, “Besides, you all drink so much it would be impossible to freeze any of you.” That wasn’t entirely true, but he knew they’d believe it. Sometimes you just needed to give them a really good excuse.

Then Toki pointed at the Asset, "I wants to keeps him, he can be my real cool pal! I already names him Defrosty."  
"Toki, we can't keep him, he belongs here," Charles reasoned, or at least tried to.  
"Look, I braids his hair, that means I owns him! You braids it you keeps it, that's what we always says."  
Charles just sighed. Pierce looked somewhat concerned, being unused to the absolute madness that was Dethklok.

Pickles never could tell if that Scandie tradition stuff was bullshit or not, all kinds of weird shit went on up there. Probably? "Wait dood, ya braided my dreads last week."  
"Yep, you's my bitch now."  
"Ignores him, Pickle, he ams jus' maksing shits up agains."  
“No I’s not!”  
“Heh, good ta know,” Pickles was going to believe Skwisgaar on this one.

“Why can’ts I keeps him? I wants to keeps him!”  
“You can’t just keep a person because you want to. He’s not a dog, you can’t own people.”  
“You’re actually saying that to us?” Nathan pointed to their accompanying gear, “Because we, you know, kinda own a lot of people.”  
“That’s different, they volunteered.”  
The gear shrugged, and nodded. Toki pouted.

They headed out, Pierce leading the way this time.  
It wasn’t long before they came across another test tube cart, this one temporarily unattended. Whoever was moving it was probably in the bathroom or something.  
Pickles went for it, but Ofdensen was able to step in front of him quickly, “No. No more, we’re leaving now.”  
“Aw dood yer no fun.” Now Pickles was pouting too.  
“I don’t care.”

They weren’t going back they way they’d come, the guy assigned to them must have been taking the scenic route. That hadn’t been very scenic, but whatever, there were a lot less turns with Pierce leading.  
Ofdensen was far more experienced at herding them along, mostly just promising that if they kept moving, the sooner they could go home and get drunk. Hell, he’d even join them, they always appreciated that.

Without warning, around the next corner they encountered a familiar face. "I'm Dr. Rockso, the rock and roll c-c-clown! I do c-c-cocaine!"  
"Hi Dr. Rockso, whats you doing here?"  
"Oh hi T-toki! I'm here to see my g-g-good friend Alexander! He's g-got the g-g-good drugs,” he waved, “Hi, b-b-baby!"  
"Leonard, please, I've asked you to never make a scene."

“Feck, I knew there were good drugs here! I missed ‘em!” That fucking clown was like a bloodhound for dope, pretty much the only thing he was good for.  
“No, Pickles,” Ofdensen prevented him from turning back to search, “Maybe Pierce can send you a nice gift basket sometime?”  
“Yes, absolutely, I can do that.” Anything to get them out of here. That damn clown was embarrassing, and he knew most of them disliked him.

"I'll s-s-suck your d-dick!"  
Pierce gave up trying to save face, it was hopeless, “You’ll do that anyway.”  
Ofdensen regarded Pierce with raised eyebrows, “Really?”  
“Nothing swallows your cock like a coked out clown. Besides,” he shrugged, “it shuts him up for a while.”  
Fortunately they’d reached the door, and could escape now.

They piled into their limo, the gear sitting up front with the driver and Ofdensen joining them in the back.  
“Huh, figures he’s a clownfucker. He kinda looked like a clownfucker. Or old Robert Redford, if he fucked clowns.”  
“I thoughts Dr. Rockso hads better tastes than that.”  
“Seriouslies, Toki?”  
He frowned, “No, nots really.”

“Let’sch go home and get drunk.”  
“Actually you don’t have to wait, I restocked the limo,” Ofdensen pressed a button and yep he sure had, enough bottles for everyone.  
“Yer’ tha best!” Pickles was closest, so he passed them around. There was even one for the manager, he must have known he’d need one too.  
Much more content now, they drank their way home.

Hydra sucked.  
Apparently, so do Dr. Rockso.  
Mordhaus was way cooler.


End file.
